Using Your Brain —for a CHANGE
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Well, think about it now. If you were going to confront someone, do you expect it to be unpleasant?
Jo: A little. Not as much as I used to.
I'm asking you to do it now.
Jo: Uhuh, a little bit.
You have to stop and take time to really do it. Think of someone whom it would be very hard to confront about something. Consider it, and find out how you can expect it to be unpleasant and succeed.
Jo: You would be difficult to confront.
I would be lethal to confront. What would propel you to have to confront someone?
Jo: If I felt like my integrity had been damaged—
"Damaged integrity." I had mine repaired.
Jo: Or if I'm insulted in some way. Sometimes when my ideas are being insulted—
Why do you have to confront someone?
Jo: I don't know.
What will happen if you do? What good does it do? Does it repair your integrity?
Jo: It makes me feel like I'm standing up for myself, protecting myself, preserving myself.
From . .. ? What I'm asking is, "What is the function of the behavior?" If you confront some people, they will kill you — even over a ham sandwich. I know that from where I grew up. Many people don't grow up in places like that, and if they're really lucky, they won't find out about it.
What is the significance of confronting someone? Does it have a function beyond giving you certain feelings which are different than the ones you have if someone "damages your integrity" by torturing your ideas? Do you always have to confront them? ... Do you do it with everybody?
Jo: No.
How do you know who to go up to and confront, so that you can feel better?
Jo: People who I more or less trust, who aren't going to hurt me in some way.
That's a good choice. But you only confront them when they hurt you, or your ideas.
Jo: That's the only time that I confront them. There are lots of other times that I discuss things with them, but that's the only time that I'm confronting.
What makes it important enough to confront them? ... Let me ask it another way. If they hurt your ideas, does that mean that they've mis–perceived them, or that they disagree with them?
Jo: Well, no. If they just misunderstand or disagree, that's all right. It's when someone says, "That's garbage" or something like that. It depends on the situation or the person.
Well, yes, it does depend on the situation, and that's very important. And I'm not saying confronting is not of value, either. I'm just asking, "How do you know when to do it?" and "How does this process work?" Would you go out and kill someone for damaging your integrity?
Jo: No.
There are a lot of people who would. Maybe it would be better if we taught them to do whatever you do. But I don't even know yet what it means for you to "confront" someone. I don't know if you yell and scream, or stick your finger up her nose, or cut her left ear off, or run her down with a truck. I'm making the assumption that your confronting is verbal.
Jo: It is.
I still don't know if your voice is at a high volume, or any other details. What's the difference between a "discussion" and a "confrontation?" How many of the rest of you thought you knew? ... or didn't think about that? ... or think I'm talking to her?
Jo: For me there's a lot of urgency around confronting somebody. I really want them to know how I feel about something. I really want them to know how I felt my ideas were received or rejected.
OK. What makes it urgent? What would happen if you didn't get them to understand? ... Let me ask another question. Do they understand the idea and say bad things about it, or do they misunderstand and say bad things about it because they misunderstand? . . .
Jo: I appreciate what you're doing, I think you just gave me a different perspective. Have you? I don't know. Give me a hint.
Jo: I think you did. Well . . . hmmm ... it just seems different now. It doesn't seem like rejection any more; it just seems like they're trying to tell me something different.
I don't know, I haven't even found out what it is we're working with here yet. You can't change yet, it's too soon. How could anything change that quickly, with just mere words, when I haven't even figured out what it is yet?,,. Does it matter?
Jo: No, but it changed. It changed,
It doesn't matter at all.
Jo: It doesn't matter to me what you said, or how you said it, or whether you knew what I was talking about. Something that you said just changed it. Somehow I don't feel like I'm going to have to confront any more.
Boy, have you got a surprise coming.
Jo: Well, I mean not confront anymore about the kind of thing I've been talking about.
Oh, there are other things that you confront about. Well, you could just do it randomly! That's what I do. Then you don't have to worry about whether it works or not.
Jo: Well, if I get overcharged for something, or get poor service or something, I'd confront.
Is that a way to continue to get good service in a restaurant?
Jo: It's a good way to get good service a lot of places.
Let me ask you another question. I'm not really picking on you. You're just a good focal point to get other people unconsciously. Did it ever occur to you to make people in a restaurant feel so good, before they served you, that they'd have no alternative but to give you good service . . . ?
Jo: I don't understand. . . . Somehow I lost that somewhere.
It always amazes me that people go to a restaurant to have a human being wait on them, and then don't treat him like one. Having been a waiter, I can tell you that most of the people who go to a restaurant treat you very strangely. There are a few people who come in and make you feel good, and that compels you to spend more time near them — regardless of whether they tip more or less. There is something about being around somebody who is nice to you that's more attractive than being around somebody who isn't nice — or who isn't even acknowledging that you exist.