Theater Plays
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WOMAN: And what might Culture have for you? It’s the most poverty-stricken of all the ministries.
DIRECTOR: Well, for example, a theater of some kind.
WOMAN: You’re a director of huge public spectacles. What would you need a theater for? Why don’t I just send you a herd of horses?
DIRECTOR: Where would I put them?
WOMAN: You shouldn’t say no. Good racehorses are a goldmine. But if you don’t want them, I’ll give you a whole village. With all its farm workers thrown in.
DIRECTOR: What would I do with them?
WOMAN: Be their landlord. That’s what clever people do. It’s every bit as good as investing money in industry.
DIRECTOR: Talking with you is vastly expanding my understanding of morality.
WOMAN: If you think that you can get as far as I have in politics while holding on to your moral virginity, you don’t know anything about life. There isn’t such a big difference between being a political mover and shaker and shaking your booty.
DIRECTOR: You’re insulting the booty shakers.
WOMAN: Maybe you think I won’t be able to handle my role tomorrow. (pointedly) So I agree to let you rehearse me privately.
DIRECTOR: We don’t have time for that anymore.
WOMAN: Why not? (up close and personal) We have the whole night ahead of us.
DIRECTOR: You don’t say.
WOMAN: A long, long night. And the village and the horses, that’s something else altogether.
DIRECTOR: Of course, I’d be flattered to do some night work with a future prime minister, but to be honest, I do have qualms about it. That’s a peak I’ve yet to scale. And besides, I have rehearsals for the ceremony on the square all night.
WOMAN: You don’t like me?
DIRECTOR: A man can’t say no when a woman asks a question like that.
WOMAN: Then what’s the matter? I’m your actress, after all.
DIRECTOR: So what?
WOMAN: I’ve heard that directors always sleep with all their actresses.
DIRECTOR: Don’t believe the gossip of jealous women.
WOMAN: But everyone believes that’s how it is.
DIRECTOR: It’s a run-of-the-mill slander against the theater, a low-rent, lowbrow view of the sacred world of art. First, not “always,” and second, not “with all.” In fact, we often sleep not only with actresses, but also with, well, run-of-the-mill women from the audience.
CONSULTANT enters.
WOMAN: (whispers) We’ll come to an agreement later.
CONSULTANT: (to WOMAN) Darling, don’t you want to spend some time in the company of our esteemed prime minister?
WOMAN: (obediently) Of course. (exits)
DIRECTOR: Who said you could interrupt the rehearsal and boss everybody around? If it happens again, I’ll boot you out. Why did you send her away?
CONSULTANT: Don’t be angry. I’m not being bossy at all. I just wanted to be alone with you for a few minutes. I hope you don’t mind?
DIRECTOR: (gives her a look of typical male appraisal) That depends on how you conduct yourself going forward.
CONSULTANT: I’m ready to consider any options.
DIRECTOR: Do you have any specific suggestions?
CONSULTANT: The suggestions should come from the man.
DIRECTOR: Say the day after tomorrow? In the evening?
CONSULTANT: When a woman says she’s ready, that shouldn’t be followed by a lot of foot-dragging. She may change her mind.
DIRECTOR: Then I’ll tell them to take five right now, and we’ll have half an hour.
CONSULTANT: Half an hour isn’t worth it. When it comes to things like this, I don’t like to rush.
DIRECTOR: Oh, all right – an hour. Although, truth be told, the clock’s ticking. The performance’ll be starting before we know it, and I’m up to my neck in things to do. But I can give you an hour.
CONSULTANT: I already said that’s not worth it. Besides, I have changed my mind.
DIRECTOR: (trying to embrace her) Are you kidding me with this?
CONSULTANT: Mind your manners and get your hands off me.
DIRECTOR: But you said you were ready…
CONSULTANT: I was just joking with you. Or, actually, testing you. I wanted to see how easy it would be to distract you from the project – a very important project, too.
DIRECTOR: I don’t appreciate jokes like that.
CONSULTANT: Then let’s talk seriously.
DIRECTOR: I have nothing to talk with you about, and no reason to either. I’m busy. I’m in rehearsal.
CONSULTANT: But you promised to give me an hour.
DIRECTOR: Not for talking.
CONSULTANT: You’re huffing and puffing like a disgruntled lion. How about a shot of brandy instead?
DIRECTOR: (cheers up) Do you have any?
CONSULTANT: I most certainly do. I confiscated this bottle, remember? You’ve been working on this awe-inspiring show for three days now. You’re tired… Some stress relief’s in order. And you’ve probably had no time to eat. (puts snacks, the bottle, and two glasses on the table and pours the brandy)
DIRECTOR: It really wouldn’t hurt to unwind for a while.
CONSULTANT: (raises her glass.) Well? To a successful outcome?
DIRECTOR: To success! (drinks and begins to eat hungrily)
CONSULTANT: Do you specialize only in large-scale public spectacles or do you stage performances in theaters too?
DIRECTOR: In theaters too. Rarely, though.
CONSULTANT: Anything modern?
DIRECTOR: No, just the classics.
CONSULTANT: Why? Are you very fond of the classics?